On a summer evening in 2001, I got on one knee in a park near my parents’ home and asked a wonderful woman if she would marry me. She said yes, and in that moment, we were engaged. She intended to marry me, and I intended to marry her. I did not know what her preferences for a ring were, so I had not purchased one. I suggested that together we could pick something she liked. She said that would be fine.
The next day, she called several of her friends to tell them the news. A couple of friends asked, “Did he give you a ring?” She explained that we were going to purchase it later.
“Well, then, your engagement isn’t official,” they replied. “You must have a ring, or it doesn’t count.”
She told me about this conversation, and we were both confused about why her friends would take the ring so literally. We both knew our commitment to each other was genuine. Why did we need a ring to make it “official?”
I bought her an engagement ring with the traditional diamond. We picked out my wedding band, which she gave to me at our marriage ceremony. I chose a plain yellow gold band because it was essentially identical to the band my dad wears. I remember my dad taking his ring off to let me play with it when I was little. Even at that young age, I knew the ring meant my mom and dad were married.
My wife and I have been married just over nine years now, and I still wear my ring every day. As I type, I can see it on my finger. It reminds me of my wife and how much I love her. It reminds me of the commitment I made to her and our children. When I work in the garden, it would sometimes be a little easier if I took the ring off, but I typically leave it, just because I like it. One of the first times I scrubbed in for surgery, I forgot to take it off and caught an earful from the scrub tech and the surgeon. Now when I am in surgery, I tie the ring to the drawstring of my scrubs. Otherwise, it can be found on my left ring finger, just where my wife put it when we married.
As long as I can remember, I have known that the significance of the wedding ring is socially constructed. I imagine most people (some of my wife’s friends excepted) recognize this. In the years since my marriage, I have learned that the groom’s ring and the addition of a diamond to the engagement ring are largely the result of successful marketing by the jewelry industry. I have also learned about the ugly way some diamonds are procured.
If I decide I do not want to wear my ring anymore, I am not worried that it will keep me out of heaven. I am not afraid that my marriage will end. God will not be angry if I stop wearing my ring. Nevertheless, I continue to enjoy the symbolism of my wedding band. I wear it for me.
The LDS Church has many rich and meaningful symbols. These are expressed through various media: scripture, meetings, commandments, ordinances, garments, and temples. I continue to enjoy many of these symbols; they provide meaning to my life. Yet, as with the wedding ring, I have learned that these symbols have many more roots in human culture than I had previously imagined. Also, I have come to realize that just as a beautiful diamond can have an ugly history, so there are some disconcerting aspects of the Church’s origins and current practices. Instead of feeling a need to discard my faith tradition, however, these realizations have allowed me to enjoy the symbolism in the Church in new ways. I am not a slave to these symbols. I participate in the Church at the level that contributes the most meaning and joy to my life. I live the gospel for me.
I declare that the wedding ring is true. It is a symbol of commitment in marriage that is of benefit and meaning to me and many others. The Church is true in the same way.
Greg Moellmer
Salt Lake City, Utah
Note: An earlier version of this essay appeared on the support forum: staylds.com.
